“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
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If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys