But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
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Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Y’all ready for this
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.