But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
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Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?