Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

is frankincense just very honest incense?

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”