Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”

Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”

Darth Vader: >:(

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.