But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
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If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
wtf is an acronym
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap