But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
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Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
it is time once again
