But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

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I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.


My neighbours complained about me dancing naked in my backyard last night. It’s like they don’t even know how necromancy works.


I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.


Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR


Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?


WIFE: What are you doing?


WIFE: You’re teaching the dog karate?

ME: Then it’s exactly what it looks like.


(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?


[sending smoke signals]