@LuvPug

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

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@mommajessiec

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

@LittleMissAngr1

My neighbours complained about me dancing naked in my backyard last night. It’s like they don’t even know how necromancy works.

@KurtBusiek

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

@Mom_Overboard

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

@Mom_Overboard

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re teaching the dog karate?

ME: Then it’s exactly what it looks like.

@joe_binkley

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

@chuuew

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*