@LuvPug

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

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@VerifiedJayy

My gf said “tie me up and do what you want” so I duct taped her to the headboard and went to the bar

@perfect_messs

Me: Can’t remember what I said 2 seconds ago.

Also me: Remembers verbatim our 37 min conversation about belly button lint from 5 yrs ago.

@Browtweaten

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

@JimmySelfDest

Excruciating cashier small talk; brought to you by chip card readers.

@Pigeonlov

I got expelled from school on pajama day.

It’s not my fault I sleep naked.

@leslid79

Abra abracadabra. I wanna reach out and stab ya.

@pilau

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché