My gf said “tie me up and do what you want” so I duct taped her to the headboard and went to the bar
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
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I am wearing a jacket, because my mom felt cold.
Me: Can’t remember what I said 2 seconds ago.
Also me: Remembers verbatim our 37 min conversation about belly button lint from 5 yrs ago.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Excruciating cashier small talk; brought to you by chip card readers.
yeah that’s brenda
I got expelled from school on pajama day.
It’s not my fault I sleep naked.
Nicki Minaj is my favorite teletubby
Abra abracadabra. I wanna reach out and stab ya.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?