Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

I will never stop laughing at this

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

This is what makes twitter great

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”