“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
You Might Also Like
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you