“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
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*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Quadruple digit IQ
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
catch me on valentine’s day like
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.