“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
mathematically impossible
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I just stopped by to water my horse.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued