But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
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I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.