But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
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I am laughing way too hard at this.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still