but that was my emotional support daylight
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I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
so this horse walks into a bar
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.