but that was my emotional support daylight
You Might Also Like
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming