but that was my emotional support daylight
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*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
incredible text to wake up to
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband