Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*