Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.