But that’s none of my business
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Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
