Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

dam girl

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON