But that’s none of my business
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Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
multitasking lunch
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files