But that’s none of my business
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I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”