But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
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Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
Try and stop me.
Lmao 🤣
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
Please vote for people who are attractive
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.