But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
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I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
#Caturday
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
weddings should have a worst man