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[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
i think both sides are to blame here
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*