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Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
they see me scrollin
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
