But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
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Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS