Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.