But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
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I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.