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I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit