[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
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“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Flock of bats
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes