But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
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Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Joseph Smith, 1833
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Tier 3 meme
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
