But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
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Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
in the ocean
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds