Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

everyone has that one prude friend

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

Hey Fugeddaboutit

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.