but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
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Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
what it’s like dating me:
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Pizza is an emotion right?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Traveler’s camo
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.