Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.