but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
You Might Also Like
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Genius idea!!
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”