but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
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When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.