But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Reminder:
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?