But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
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I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
so this horse walks into a bar
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
