But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
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I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.