But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
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Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?