Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.