“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
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[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
pat pat
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Mornin. * use accordingly
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves