“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
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Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
