Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

Nothing.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”