“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
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*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?