“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
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I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.