BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
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Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I used the label maker
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs