“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
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“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
the person at my job who can decide if im fired: “yeah so celebrities actually go to a secret starbucks underground in a series of tunnels to get their coffee”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.