but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
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the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
the duality of man
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.