if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
But your honor, she used mild cheddar cheese to make nachos
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Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My superpower is my ability to spell ‘banana’ without any help from Gwen Stefani
“The Jetsons and Flintstones existed at the same time. One in the sky, one on the ground, and both in a post-apocal-”
“Juror is dismissed”
Computer: set password
Computer: password is too long
Me: This chicken is undercooked.
Wife: You don’t appreciate my cooking.
Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
If I give my dog a toy that doesn’t make an unbearably annoying noise she looks at me like I have no clue how to do anything right in life.
If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t comeback, tell everyone she has herpes.