@theshamingofjay

But your honor, she used mild cheddar cheese to make nachos

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@jonnysun

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

@mommywhitfield

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

@tarashoe

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

@DaddyJew

My superpower is my ability to spell ‘banana’ without any help from Gwen Stefani

@Sickayduh

“The Jetsons and Flintstones existed at the same time. One in the sky, one on the ground, and both in a post-apocal-”

“Juror is dismissed”

@QueefTornado

Me: This chicken is undercooked.

Wife: You don’t appreciate my cooking.

Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.

@TheAlexP

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

@laurenmacdonald

If I give my dog a toy that doesn’t make an unbearably annoying noise she looks at me like I have no clue how to do anything right in life.

@BestWorstAdvice

If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t comeback, tell everyone she has herpes.