But your honor, she used mild cheddar cheese to make nachos

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if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown


Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.


gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake


My superpower is my ability to spell ‘banana’ without any help from Gwen Stefani


“The Jetsons and Flintstones existed at the same time. One in the sky, one on the ground, and both in a post-apocal-”

“Juror is dismissed”


Me: This chicken is undercooked.

Wife: You don’t appreciate my cooking.

Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.


Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.


If I give my dog a toy that doesn’t make an unbearably annoying noise she looks at me like I have no clue how to do anything right in life.


If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t comeback, tell everyone she has herpes.