3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
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I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go