“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
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You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
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