Butt weight. There’s more!
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My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.