“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
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*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”