“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
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If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
The most accurate map ever devised.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
next question.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”