Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
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genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
nobody’s gonna understand
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
My teenage children choosing violence
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here