Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
You Might Also Like
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”