Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
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Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
For cardio I live beyond my means.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no