Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

Mood.. 😂

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

there’s probably a fee though

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

Hoping to spice up my evening

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.