Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
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Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves