Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
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“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.