*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
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I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Let’s Go
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary