*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
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Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price