Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

😭😭

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

How wrong was this guy?

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.