Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

😜

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.