Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull