Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

Liquor Store Parking

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.