Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

Old joke:

Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”

Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”

Customer: “You did it last year.”

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

[right after sex]

Me: so that was uhh-

The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.