Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees