buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
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Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.