buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
You Might Also Like
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Okay this one takes it home
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..