Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
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[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew