Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
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I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Try and stop me.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Follow me for more life hacks.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Just a friendly reminder!
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!