Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
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7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.