Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

Mapping America’s Far Right

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies