Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
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People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Does this dress make me look cat?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.