Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

Customer is always right

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂