Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?