Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
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If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
A double negative is a big no-no.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
My wedding will be open casket.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread